I know that this blog is typically for me to talk about books, and I love that about this space. But I am honestly feeling so unmoored these days, and I just need to put the words out in the world, I guess. It is January, and I am tired. To my bones, aching tired. This happens sometimes. I think to everyone. We burn the candle at both ends and then suddenly the wick is gone, and you’ve got to make up for it somewhere…but where? For me, it’s my mental health. I just go, go, and go until I forget about my relationships and other important aspects of my life. Last night I was sitting on the couch and realized that I have no routines since moving – it has been a really big adjustment, moving so far from the city. So many things are being pushed to the wayside in lieu of “more important” things that come with the throws of adulthood. But being an adult is also learning to know when it’s time to take a step back and reclaim some time for yourself, right?
It is Friday morning, I am sitting here thinking about how busy and eventful the year has already been. I am reminding myself that my personal goal this year is this: to learn to say no when I don’t want to/can’t do something, and to stop feeling bad for saying no. It seems so simple, right? Wrong. In the midst of growing up, I somehow learned that I was to blame for other people’s feelings and disappointments. I was terrified of hurting other people, so I said yes to everything, thinking that would alleviate my discomfort. And even worse, I never learned how to stand up for myself. With anyone. It was at the cost of other things and now that I am older, I see what I need to do. I’m not going to let people walk all over me anymore because I’m exhausted of being a doormat. Throughout my time on this planet, I would often burn down the wick and then fall off the face of the earth for a few weeks to recharge and recover from whatever emotional turmoil I’d pushed myself into. And you know what? I am striving to no longer feel obligated to make other people happy. I am striving to no longer feel responsible for other people’s feelings. I am striving to not build walls around myself when I really just need a little help. There’s nothing wrong with needing to step back for a while. The people who know me well enough know how this process goes. It isn’t personal towards them – it’s personal towards me.
So, this is me right now. Different than this blog is used to, but me all the same. Big weekend plans: read some books, bake some cookies, and sleep.
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